Most of the jokes are from a joke cell phone application called "Dad Jokes"
|"Dad, I'm hungry." Hello, Hungry. I'm Dad.|
|A doll was recently found dead in a rice paddy. It's the only known instance of a nick-nack paddy whack.|
|A geologist exploring an earthquake fell to his death through no fault of his own.|
|A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.|
|A quick shoutout to all of the sidewalks out there... Thanks for keeping me off the streets.|
|A weasel walks into a bar. The bartender says "I've Never Had a weasel in here, what would you like? Pop goes the weasel.|
|At the boxing match, the dad got into the popcorn line and the line for hot dogs, but he wanted to stay out of the punchline.|
|Atheism is a non-prophet organization.|
|Can a kangaroo jump higher than the Empire State Building? Of course. The Empire State Building can't jump.|
|Can I watch the TV? Dad: Yes, but don’t turn it on.|
|Did you hear about the bread factory burning down? They say the business is toast.|
|Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?|
|Did you know about the guy who took the airline to trial for misplacing his luggage? He lost the case|
|England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.|
Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.
|How do locomotives know where they're going? Lots of training|
|I adopted my dog from a blacksmith. As soon as we got home he made a bolt for the door.|
|I applied to be a doorman but didn't get the job due to lack of experience. That surprised me, I thought it was an entry-level position.|
|I dropped out of the Communism class because of lousy Marx.|
|I got an A on my origami assignment when I turned my paper into my teacher|
|I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid, but he says he can stop any time.|
|I was going to get a brain transplant, but I changed my mind|
|I was just looking at my ceiling. Not sure if it’s the best ceiling in the world, but it’s definitely up there.|
|I was so proud when I finished the puzzle in six months when on the side it said three to four years.|
|I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can't put it down.|
|My dog used to chase people on a bike a lot. It got so bad I had to take his bike away.|
|No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.|
|Nurse: Doctor, there's a patient that says he's invisible. Doctor: Well, tell him I can't see him right now!|
|Our wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers.|
|She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.|
|So a duck walks into a pharmacy and says “Give me some chap-stick… and put it on my bill”|
Some people say that comedians who tell one too many light bulb jokes soon burn out, but they don't know watt they are talking about. They're not that bright.
Teacher: How old is your father? Kid: He is 6 years. Teacher: What? How is that possible? Kid: He became a father only when I was born. Logic!! Children are quick and always speak their minds.)
Teacher: Maria, go to the map and find North America. Maria: Here it is. Teacher: Correct. Now, Class, who discovered America? Class: Maria.
Teacher: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?' Glenn: 'K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L' Teacher: No, that's wrong. Glenn: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
Teacher: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water? Donald: HIJKLMNO. Teacher: What are you talking about? Donald: Yesterday you said it's H to O.
Teacher: Clyde, your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his? Clyde: No, sir; It's the same dog.
Teacher: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested? Harold: A Teacher.
|The first step to solving a math equation is admitting that you have a problem.|
|The first time I got a universal remote control I thought to myself, "This changes everything"|
|The other day, my wife asked me to pass her lipstick but I accidentally passed her a glue stick. She still isn't talking to me.|
|The shovel was a ground-breaking invention.|
|There was a guy that used to work at a calendar Factory he got fired because he took a couple of days off|
|They told me I had type-A blood, but it was a Type-O.|
|This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.|
|Velcro - what a rip off!|
|Venison for dinner again? Oh, deer!|
|What did the Buffalo Dad say to his kid when he dropped him off at school. Bison.|
|What did the fish say when he slammed into the wall. Damm|
|What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.|
|What do you get hanging from Apple trees? Sore arms.|
|What happens to a frog's car when it breaks down? It gets toad.|
|What is the difference between a Golfer and a Skydiver? One says Darn Whack and the other says Whack Darn.|
|What is the leading cause of dry skin? Towels|
|Which side of the chicken has more feathers? The outside.|
|why did the bicycle fall over, because it was too tired.|
Why did the policeman stay in bed? He was undercover!
Why did the tomato blush? Because it saw the salad dressing.
|Why was the Horse Happy? He was in a Stable Environment|
|You can't trust a ladder. It will always let you down|
Now Seniors have their own texting codes:
* ATD - At the Doctor
* BFF - Best Friends Funeral
* BTW - Bring the Wheelchair
* BYOT - Bring Your Own Teeth
* CBM - Covered by Medicare
* CUATSC - See You at the Senior Center
* DWI - Driving While Incontinent
* FWIW - Forgot Where I Was
* GGPBL - Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low
* GHA - Got Heartburn Again
* HGBM - Had Good Bowel Movement
* LMDO - Laughing My Dentures Out
* LOL - Living on Lipitor
* OMSG - Oh My! Sorry, Gas
* TOT - Texting on Toilet
* WAITT - Who Am I Talking To?
Hope these help. GGLKI
(Gotta Go, Laxative Kicking in!)